I putting my uh "3 day notice" in at work this afternoon.

I wanted to do a 2 week notice but a girl that works here said "they will cut you then"

&& I didnt wanna be 2 weeks outta pay...on top of 3 months :P

so I'm just gunna let em know I can work until Wendesday.

Thursday & Friday I have dentist appointments, which the bank wouldnt ALLOW me to have off...so guess I'm taking them off on my own :P

I am a little nervous I will come in Monday and they will be like "just pack your stuff and leave"

I need that 300 dollars though :P so hopefully they wont!

I AM SUPER EXCITED about starting interning and school again :)

I can not wait to work with kids again. && first grade too!!! yay.

only thing I am worried about is not being able to pay my bills.

I have like 1200 a month in bills and will be making nothing. My parents have told me they would help but I know they cant afford my 1200 plus theirs...so blah.

no way I can intern 7am-4pm, then have to work nights & weekends...

plus I have school on Monday & Thursday nights...:( and wanna go to church on Wend & Sundays. Can you imagine telling a workplace

"I can work Tuesdays and Friday nights. OH and Saturday but thats all!"

surely, I'd get hired :P

I may try it though.

may try some resturant or something...really not sure.

I wish I could just babysit some kid on Saturday and make 50 dollars a day or something :P

so I had no more crazy dreams about Josh. :P

we actually have been getting back to normal. I knew it was just stress. :P

I've actually started having dreams about teaching :)

I was teaching 4th grade last night. My kids were so good! and I was being sucha a fun teacher!

Of course, I was a little ill prepared but I know thats just my nerves about becoming a teacher in 2 weeks and "thrown" in a classroom with 30 little boogers and really not knowing what to expect.

but I've been a teacher before. I'm sure its no different.

just more kids. more stuff to teach. more money :)

well...for 15 weeks I wont get paid cause I have to "intern full time" which sucks.

I am totally gunna start selling some lemonade or watching some bebes.

Anyone want some lemonade? or have bebes that need to be watched?

I will do it :)

I did wanna share my dream last night.

It was so real yet of course its not!

Anyways,

I dreamt that Josh and I were on an airplane flying somewhere. He leaves for a couple hours and comes back and says nothing to me as I am talking to him nonstop.

We get to where ever we were going and enter into this house. Its an older house and I start looking around.

Time must be going by fast because I see myself working as a teacher and seeing this child that looks like Josh.

The little boy or girl looks about 2 years old and runs to me and hugs me. I meet its Mom and we start talking in a coffee shop. She tells me about how she has a secert finance' and actually lives in the house with him and his "girlfriend"

I get back home and tell Josh about my converstation and then he confesses that the woman is his fiance' and the child is his.

He continues to tell me that he had an affair on the airplane when we were flying here.

He then tells me that he propose to her a week after he proposed to me and is in love with her more than me.

I start running through this house, crying and screaming.

I pushed this door open and find a living quarter.

I start looking through pictures of Josh, this female and child.

I start destroying everything.

Ripping pictures, throwing things off dressers and outta closets.

I collopse on the floor and hear the child come running in.

Josh tells me "get up. You have no right to be in here"

and I get up and walk away.

while walking away I ask "We are done. After 5 years?"

and I wake up.

It was weird & I wonder what could it mean?

Am I having trust issues? Am I thinking since we have had a slight strain on our relationship that it could be ending?

It was really weird. I almost wanted to cry when I awoke.

I think I am finally over my psychosis disorder.  =P

For a couple weeks there I thought that everything possible that could go wrong to a person was going wrong with me. I was delusional, imagining things that weren’t real and just feeling things that I should have never been feeling or thinking.

I got myself so emotionally distressed, I could not sleep. I could not eat. I couldn’t do anything but research why I was feeling these things and making myself more sick.

I felt guilty. anxious. scared & sick....everything! It was like everything was pouring out of me and I had no reasons why.

&& I think I've really put my relationship on the rocks too. =(

Josh hates when someone thinks they are always sick or something bad is going to happen...& It was happening to me.

Anxiety attacks up the ying yang.

I was waking up every morning at 3am, crying out to God to heal me. I wanted him to just comfort me. Let me know everything was going to be okay. Make everything okay.

I really don’t know how I ever got on this 'crazy kick' either but I thank God its over. honestly. I am so glad to be healthy minded again.

My doctor thinks ever since I was diagnosed with my precancerous cells on my cervix, I went into paranoia and it just started building.

I ruined my 23rd birthday.

I (possibly) ruined my close and open relationship with Josh.

I ruined alot of things.

I ran to stress. I let stress take over my body. & it was the most horrible feeling ever.

BUT

now I am feeling better :) I have been reading my bible daily and just praying for God to show me the way to a peaceful/less stressful life and he has done it so far :)

I am so excited to be starting my life anew :)

starting a close(r) relationship with God and Christ-like friends.

I just hope that Josh forgives me for being 'pyscho' for those 2 weeks.

I've tried talking to him about it...but at the time, he has ALOT on his mind and just doesn’t seem interested in the things I have to say about it...

but yah.

start interning on the 11th :)

super-de-duper excited about that!

1st grade Westside Elementary.

These things have I spoken unto you, that My joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full” (John 15:11).

Paul started the whole “No perfect people allowed” movement! He knew the pressure that Christians were getting from the religious people. Get circumcised, follow the commandments, obey the law. Paul knew that this was a trap. He knew that there were two kinds of people that miss God’s standard of perfection. Those that say they do and those that pretend they don’t. Paul did not have to pretend to be perfect, he had a better way! He forgot his sin. Paul knew his struggle. He knew his shortcomings but instead of putting on the pretence of perfection, he focused on one thing: “Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead”. How about you? There comes a time when you have to make a choice. Are you going to let the past dictate your life or your future? Follow Paul’s example, “I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead. I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.”

This is my prayer to you.

Father, you know my past better than I do and yet you are willing to forgive. Help me to do the same. Help me to forgive and forget the pass and focus on what’s ahead. Help me live in the present reality of your love and forgiveness and then press on toward living my life for you.
AMEN 

1 Peter 4:1

¹Since Christ suffered while he was in his body, strengthen yourselves with the same way of thinking Christ had. The person who has suffered in the body is finished with sin. ²Stregthen yourselves so that you will live here on earth doing what God wants, not the evil things people want. ³In the past you wasted too much time doing what nonbelivers enjoy. You were guilty of sexual sins, evil desires, drunkenness, wild and drunkness parties and hateful idol worship. ⁴Nonbelivers think it is strange that you do not do the many wild and wasteful things they do, so they insult you.⁵But they will have to explain this to God, who is ready to judge the living and the dead. ⁶For this reason the Good News was preached to those who are now dead. Even though they were judged like all people, the Good News was preached to them so they could live in the spirit as God lives.

and just reading back on this summer from mindsay....

I have had one hell of a stressful summer.

holy crap!

Hopefully it gets better from here.

=/

went to the doctor this morning...

she said "there is nothing wrong with you"

My Mom was right...it was all a pyschological thing.

I kinda thought it was cause I knew I was making myself sick....def. my stomach but I just knew that there was something wrong...I just knew it. but there wasnt.

I even made Mom come into the gyno room with me and the Dr. let her look at my cervix..haha weird, but I didnt care :P

but she didnt see anything abonormal.

soo....yeah.

I feel better.

I can say that.

I still feel some kinda stingy on my legs but she said it was nothing...so whatev.

I'm glad everything is okay :) I really had myself freaked out. my birthday wasnt so happy.

We went to dinner and I got sick :(

I did get beautiful ruby & sapphire earrings & matching necklace from Josh. :) which made me really happy!

yay. but he is mad at me right now...cause at 4am I was up walking around & crying...cause I was a nervous wreck.  (he not mad anymore..just spoke to him :P)

but hopefully I can eat normal today & sleep normal tonight.

that would be fannnntablous. cause I havent done either since lassst Sunday...

and still didnt lose any weight. :(

otay. im done.

& may I say hungry! ah.

This weekend we are gunna celebrate my birthday :) hopefully go to Busch Gardens or something :) I'm excited!

Today is my 23rd birthday.

I am stuck at work.

with a major stomach ache and light rash on my groin and upper legs...where the skin folds.

I don't know whats wrong with me...I just wanna bawl and bawl.

I have been sick for a week....and now its my birthday & I am still sick.

doesnt feel like a very happy birthday :(

& the doctor can not see me until Wendesday afternoon...

two more days of wondering whats going on down there...

its not my "vayjayjay"...just the skin around it..where it folds...& I know its not chub rub.

maybe a yeast infection or something...I dont know..

I wish I did.

I'm scared & hurting. :(

and going on a week tomorrow of being sick.

so yeah.

HAPPY 23rd BIRTHDAY TO ME.

here comes the joys of getting old and losing good health :P

I searched for love, when the night came, and it closed on in.

I was alone but you found me where I was hiding and now I'll never ever be same

it was the sweetest voice that called my name saying

"You're not alone, For I am here, let me wipe away your every fear, My love I've never left your side, I have seen you through the darkest night, And I'm the one that who's loved you all your life

 All of your life."

I really can't believe its already July.

wow. times flies!

I have 13 days until my 23rd birthday....gosh. I'm surely getting old.

Josh's macbook pro died :(

3,000 dollars sure gets you a whole lotta nothing. he has had it only for maybe 2 years. if that.

Though my lil' refurbished macbook is still kickin! & I got it 2 years ago..no problems. :P

just sucks for me cause his computer is the one that had the wireless card...mine doesnt...or something.

&& its my myspacin' puter!! :P

yay. only 2 more days for work! hooray!

friday we have off. plannin' on doing the whole laying by the pool, eating chips & drink wine coolers...ya know, the classy life. (haha)

 I am actually really excited about Billy having a little girl.

I am really really excited. I had a dream about holding her & playing with her & just really excited to be an AUNT!

just Aunt Amber sounds sooo weird. haha. :P Uncle Josh & Aunt Amber....weird. :P

but yeah. I am excited. :) I told Josh having Billy's little girl for a while may ease my "I WANT A BABY!" syndrome...he thinks it will only make it worse :P

he is prolly right!

I really want a baby.

If I was pregnant right now...I wouldnt even care that I wasnt married. seriously.

I would just know that God knew our intentions...BUT I am not planning on getting a baby until I am married...still on the good ole' BC...

but just if!

the way time is flying...April will be here very soon.

We will be married...and I am stopping BC the day after! && pray it wont take us FOREVER to get pregnant. I'm actually kinda trying to plan it where I can have the summer off with my baby...but that means I will be HUGE pregnant at the end of school...& I dont want to miss my first year teaching because I am having labor pains :P

but whatever. when it happens it happens. & I can't wait!

hiphiphoorary.

I am in a really good mood today. :) starvin' but happy :)

stress is finally catching up with me.

Im starting to get a sore thorat and just feel like I wanna cry...and sleep. and cry some more.

I just need the weekend. thats all I need.

hopefully it will be a stress-free weekend. relaxing. sunny and fun.

*sigh*

my brother found out he is having a girl. (if it is his...)

I think thats why I am kinda sad. I really wanna cry...because I wanted to have a baby first. I wanted to have a girl first mostly.

They are going to name her Gracey Pearl.

again. ugly first name...but Pearl was mine. thats my nanas name and was going to be one of my kids middle names. *sad*

but its something I cant look down on. because I may never be able to have a child (it is one of my deep deep fears...:( ) and atleast I can have a niece. oh man, that sends chills down me to say that..

niece.

my baby brother having a little girl.

wow. only if I cared for Ashely. but I dont. she is probably the only person I cant stand in this whole world.

but whatever. I hope I start feeling better...and not get sick like last time. pllllease lord, dont let me get sick!!

going to Jax tonight to help Josh deliver a car. I really dont wanna but I have too. :P

when is this nightmare going to be over....

ahh!

someone just called the bank & said to me

"I know who robbed your bank. Do I get a reward?"

stopstopstopstop.

There are moments in your life where your body takes over and your mind goes into “flight or fight” mode. I never thought I would experience that feeling…but I did.

Yesterday morning, I opened the bank with another co-worker. I was lagging all morning, not really wanting to go to work but I went. The whole morning was a little weird….I just felt something different. We heard at 815am there was a bomb threat at the courthouse…course any drama was good drama here so we were all freakin’ out about that.

831am. One minute after we opened our doors I seen a man walk through the door and stand against the wall in the foyer. At that moment, I knew we were going to be robbed. I locked all my drawers leaving the top unlocked and low. I then threw my keys in the trash can as he walked in and stood at our island, writing something and speaking in a different language on a cell phone. I prepared myself for the worse. I told myself “stay rational. Stay calm. Don’t make this worse than it will.” I stood and waited for him at the counter. As he walked up, in slow mo’ as it seemed, he threw his hoodie over his hat that he was already wearing and approached me. I said “good morning” as he laid a bag down on the counter and handed me a crumpled note. “whats this?” as I opened the note and read “fill this bag $30,000” he said “fill the bag” I then told him “I don’t have this much” he said “where can you get it?” We exchanged words a couple times. In my head I knew I needed to let someone know what was going on. “should I call someone? NO! should I scream for someone? NO! what the hell should I do?

Soooo I screamed “Connie, I neeeed you!” with deep desperation in my voice..

The robber said nothing as I yelled for someone.

From that moment, all I kept thinking was “omg im being robbed im being robbed” through those moments, I was so in shock I remember nothing going on beyond me...it was just me and the robber. I remember turning around and screamed CONNNIE again...this time in a blood curdling scream. I don’t remember putting money in the bag I just rememeber thinking “I cant believe this is happening to me” and felt like I was going so slooow. I wanted the cops to come and get him but I also didn’t want them to surround the bank and the robber be stuck in here with us. I gave him back his bag and note and he asked “how much is in here?” I told him “NOT 30 GRAND!” he asked “where could I get more?” and I told him “I don’t have it. I don’t have keys my manager does” he said “where is she?” and I then started to break and said holding back tears of fear “I don’t know”

then HE  looked up and said “Im so sorry. Im so sorry” and walked out.

I went into complete shock. I had already went through my fight mode, though I never thought about being a hero….nor did I ever feel threatened or would be harmed in anyway….but as he walked out I went into flight.

I was out of it.

I don’t remember hearing sirens or police officers coming into the building…but was told later there were atleast 60 cops around us. I remember being told to “breathe Amber breathe. Everything and everyone is okay you did an awesome job!” Once I came out of my “coma” I started writing every little detail down…and I knew what this guy looked like and said to a tee. I just remember telling myself “you have to identify this guy. You have to stay calm”

831am on June 16^th. Scariest moment I have ever endured in my life thus far. &  I don’t think many people can say they have been apart of a bank robbery…and yet be the teller that was approached. And the only one in the bank lobby with 3 others in offices…

I really wanted to ask the robber “why me? Why are you doing this to me?” but I didn’t want to make it personal. He wasn’t robbing me. He was robbing the bank…It just so happened I work here. He knew I was scared. He knew I was shocked. I knew he was scared too. I don’t think he would have apologized if he didn’t feel any remorse and he countined to look down the whole time...even when I was going turtle slow and talking to him.

We never caught him. But we did get all our money back. J He dropped the bag while running

And we did get MANY leads on him and his family.

They called the bomb threats in where the police could be on the east side of LC while they robbed us…the farthest west branch.

I just thank God the guy was nice. That he didn’t yell or demand anything from me. And when I screamed, he said nothing or pointed a gun at me.

Though I never saw a gun…I believe he had something in his hoodie pocket. After handing me the bag and note, he reached in his pocket and I started hyperventaling and he quickly removed his hands and laid them on the counter.

I really thank god it happened the way it did. I wish it wouldn’t have ever happened to me because that is all I think about now…when I close my eyes,  I play the situation over and over in my head.

I hope that no one ever has to go through something so scary.

It really makes me appreciate life and our sheriffs office (them hotties! goodness) they really did an awesome job and made me laugh the whole time while I was in a  complete adrenaline high...

&& I did get to ride in the back of the cop car with the hot investigators. J

Even though I was on a adrenaline high until about 3pm,  I crashed around 430. I cried like a baby for a good 2 hours. L I was so scared. I still am. I just couldnt believe it happened. and i stayed as calm as I did.

They said its going to happen again this week…maybe not this branch but its going to happen.

*sigh* I pray not here. Not me.

I never thought in a million year it would happen to me.

I was robbed in our bank robbery.

I was the only teller working in the bank too.

OMG!

It has been a crazy morning. a crazzzy morning.

I stayed calm though. I was proud :) (though I did start going into shock when I gave him the money...I stayed calm.) & everything went well.

I kinda feel bad though...his last words to me were..

"Im so sorry. Im so sorry"